Mrs. Dykowski... watches April with sympathy
In true millennial fashion, I’m watching April the giraffe not give birth in the background of my screen as I write this column.
Nine-hundred and eighteen other poor souls are watching with me.
The comments are a pretty accurate reflection of how boring it watching an animal take a few uncomfortable steps to the left then back to the right.
People are arguing about whether or not Indiana is full of ignorance, whether or not a text alert system that will allegedly warn you when labor starts is a scam, whether or not people hitting the angry face button are pushing for April or mad at her for not giving birth yet.
A series of surprised faces flew across the screen when April waddled to her potty corner to take care of some personal business.
What are we doing with our lives, people?
In some ways I feel calmed by her slow movements back and forth across her enclosure.
On the other hand, the way my fellow man is interacting with each other and with the video is stressing me out.
People need to find something productive to do, like writing a rambling column about the experience of joining in an internet phenomenon.
Some people are writing detailed information about how April’s baby-daddy and next-door neighbor, Oliver, slept last night.
Did they really stay up all night to watch?
To be fair, the video feed is neat in some moments, April’s belly will move and you can tell it’s the baby kicking and stretching.
They say it will be about 6-feet tall when it’s born.
Darci wasn’t even a third of that, and I can still feel the pressure she put on my rib cage when she would stretch before she was born.
As she waddles away from her potty corner, people debate what it will look like when she finally does start pushing.
Is her lifted tail a sign of labor? They speculate about every pause.
Remembering my own labor, I’m so glad there was no last-trimester live-feed broadcast.
Although the anticipation of Darci’s arrival was very real and felt by all of my friends and family, I definitely didn’t need a hashtag or a series of topical memes in honor of my going past due.
“Maybe tonight will be the night,” was an evening mantra every night for Scott and I for about six weeks before the night actually came.
Would they have made memes in my honor if I had posted that mantra online every night in a video?
Would internet trolls arbitrarily attack the Midwest in the comments? Would people be mad with support? Would I go into a cave on one of the last inches of the earth without wifi and never come out again?
Oh April, you’re so lucky not to know what a fuss is being made over you.
You have no idea that a giant Toys R Us logo is dominating the semi-creepy video feed the world is glued to.
Now there are 1,500 people watching her play with a bucket.
We put satellites in outer space, developed nano-technology, super computers and amazing video technology all over the world so we can watch a pregnant giraffe, whose face is obscured by a Toys R Us logo play with a plastic bucket in a barn stall.
My bet is on later this week.
Sarah Dykowski is the wife of Publisher Scott Dykowski. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.